Is (s)he God?

A few Sundays ago, I woke up on Sunday morning and decided that church just wasn't in the cards for the day.  I had overdone it on Saturday frying turkeys for the youth luncheon fundraiser. We decided to run to "old mcDonalds" for breakfast since fixing breakfast seemed like a tall task at the moment (Amy and I have both been quite tired and worn the last month or so).  Amy and Anna made it into McDonalds before James and I did.  They got to the line just before another gentleman did and Amy let him in front of her since James and I hadn't made it in yet.  A few minutes later, after we had given our order, I started to pull out my wallet to pay, but the same gentleman jumped up to the counter and told the employee he was paying and there would be no discussion about it.  He said he was thankful that Amy had let him in front of her and just wanted to do something nice for us.

All morning long, I had been reflecting on how overwhelmed I have been with the outpouring of support for us over the last few months.  Getting a little teary, I thanked the gentleman and just told him he had no idea what his generosity meant to us after what has been a really tough couple of months.  He asked what was going on and I told him I had recently gotten the "all clear" from 2 separate cancer diagnosis.  I wanted him to have an idea of what impact his simple act of kindness had made on me. He got a bit teary himself and said he couldn't wait to tell his wife the story.

We went our separate ways and sat down to enjoy our meal.  The gentleman sat across the room from us and of course finished before we did (we did have Anna and James...and a meal with them is quite an event).  When the gentleman finished his meal, he made his way over to us.  He handed me a handful of cash and told us that God wanted us to have it.  He is retired from the radiology field and now drives for uber just for people interaction.  He almost always is in the Gastonia and airport area, but a client brought him to Huntersville that morning.  He felt as if God had made our paths cross just so he could meet us.  He also said, working in radiology, he often saw patients that never got the "all clear" and it did his heart good to hear a positive outcome for us.  The cash was the money he had made driving that day.  We thanked him profusely and he left.

At this point, I was just tired and overwhelmed and began to cry.  Not sad tears, just happy tears.  Thankful tears.  Overwhelmed tears.  Weary tears.

Of course, with a 4 year old at the table, there are always lots of questions.  Anna was curious about the exchange.  She was curious why he would give us money (we had already told her he bought our food).  She was curious why daddy was teary (anyone who knows me knows I am not an overly emotional individual).  We explained to her what the man said and why he paid for our meal and gave us money.

And then in one simple question, Anna showed she has a greater understanding of faith and God than many adults do, she asked, "Daddy, is he God?"

I just had to laugh a bit and answered, "In a way Anna, yes. Yes he is.  He is doing what God wants us to do and showing love to others."

Truth be told, our family has seen God in many different forms the last few months.  We have seen God in doctors, nurses, and hospital staff.  We have seen God in our neighbors who have brought meals, bagged leaves, babysat so I could make doctors appointments, and played with our kids. We have seen God in our church family through meals, cards, babysitting, spending the night so Amy and I could have a night out, and in never questioning things when I have missed so much work.  We have had meals provided by friends from college (and out of state friends at that), friends from my home church, friends from previous churches I have worked at, neighbors, and church members.

We have certainly seen God.  And we are extremely thankful.  2018 has not been the kindest of years to our family and we could not have made it through without the support of all of you.

As far as my health goes.  I have been given the "all clear" for both the testicular cancer and the kidney cancer.  Two surgeries and I am done.  No chemotherapy.  No radiation.  Just 5 years of active surveillance.

However, the "battle" isn't entirely behind us.  I will be having one more surgery on December 20th for an inguinal hernia that has developed at the site of the first surgery.  Compared to the first two surgeries, this one should be a cake walk.  After all, they will just be pushing body parts back in instead of removing them. :-)  I should only be out of work 7-10 days at most, and can hopefully return to work in 2019 with a fairly clean bill of health.

As far as the two spots on the lung, my next CT scan will be late January/early morning February.  The hope and expectation are that those two spots are just scar tissue.  The great news is that if they are cancerous, it would be really really early.

Thank you all for being God to our family and being Christ-like in your love and actions.

We really do mean it when we say we couldn't have made it through 2018 without each of you.

Love,
The Ward Family.

The Good, The Bad, and the Ughhhhhh

I wanted to take a moment to update folks on my latest health findings.

The good:
I met with my surgeon yesterday and he has cleared me for "whatever activity I feel like doing."  I don't plan on going out to run any marathons, but I didn't plan on that before surgery either.  ha ha
It is nice to not be limited in activity, though I didn't always follow orders anyway.

For the most part, it is fairly safe to say that testicular cancer is in our rearview mirror.

The bad:
As I mentioned in a previous post, they had found a spot on my kidney that was concerning.  Dr. K ordered a biopsy of the kidney to be a little more aggressive in finding out what was going on with it. The radiologist didn't want to do a "blind biopsy" and wanted some imaging done first.  So two weeks ago I had an MRI for the kidney.  Wednesday, the doctor's office called and said that the findings showed the lesion appears to be a tumor.  So they ordered the biopsy to be done and that was scheduled for September 25th.  Yesterday (Thursday) I went in to talk to Dr. K about the MRI.  He is about 90% sure I have renal cell carcinoma (kidney cancer).  He said he only says 100% when he has pathology or a biopsy.  He was not happy that the biopsy was 3 weeks out and decided to cancel the biopsy and go ahead and refer me to a surgeon for a partial nephrectomy.  They will remove the tumor and about 15% of my kidney with robotic laparoscopic surgery.  My consult with the surgeon is scheduled for September 26th, but my doctor isn't thrilled with that timeline either and plans to call the doctor to try to get it moved up.

The ugh:
Frankly, our family is tired.  It has been a long year and all the waiting for answers is wearing.  This one has weighed on us a bit more than the seminoma did.  This happening during the school year means there is just lots more to juggle.  Though we will still have to wait on pathology to confirm that I have renal cell carcinoma, the doctor is convinced enough that it is a bit unnerving.  He wants answers as to why a relatively healthy 39 year old has (potentially) two unrelated cancers at the same time.  He said that my oncologist will likely want to do some testing to see if there is an underlying issue that makes me susceptible to cancer.  That will likely include genetic testing, testing for autoimmune issues, and most likely lots more tests and doctors visits.  Hearing cancer the first time brought no real emotional response, because by the time I heard the word cancer, it was used in past tense.  This time, it is still there looming and is present tense.
Those that know me also know that I love my job and we love our church.  I've missed a lot of work this year and it has been really hard to plan and do my job with so much uncertainty.  There is no real end in sight for that uncertainty right now, and that makes planning and doing my job difficult.  It means that a parts of my job will simply not get done.  That bugs me more than a lot of other things going on.  Another surgery will mean more missed work.  Another surgery means less time being able to play with my kids.  Another surgery means it will be even longer before I can really help Amy with the house and kids.  I'm tired of "resting."  I know I need to, but I'm tired of sitting around.


Despite the latest news, there is still lots to be thankful for.
Had I not had an infection, it likely would have been a while before we really discovered the testicular cancer.
Had we not found the testicular cancer, we would not have found the spot on the kidney.
Dr. K said yesterday, that had we not found this early, there was a good chance I would not be around in 3-5 years.

I am thankful that we have found everything early.
I am thankful that we have such an amazing support system.
I am thankful for a medical team that holds my health as more important than their egos. (This isn't always the case with doctors, and I'd be happy to share some of the stories with why we love our medical team).
I am thankful to have a wife that stays strong and holds it all together for us.
I am also thankful that when Amy doesn't feel strong, people are there to hold her up.
I am thankful for my kids and the joy they bring.

Here is James' response to the latest lemon that life has thrown our family:

After yesterday's news, we didn't feel like cooking dinner, so we went out to eat.  James thoroughly enjoyed eating the lemons they brought to the table.  So, when life gives you lemons, enjoy the heck out of them.  

Anna's response to this later news was quite funny as well.  I told her that daddy was going to have to have another surgery to get rid of the cancer germs.  She immediately broke into tears.  I asked her why she was crying, and through tears she said "So you won't be able to carry me to bed upside down anymore?"  

Me, "Well mama can carry you to bed upside down?"

Anna, "But I want daddy to carry me..."

Me, "Well maybe James can carry you to bed upside down?"

Anna, "James?!?! James cannot even pick me up!"

Thanks for the perspective kid...Don't worry, daddy will do everything he can to get healthy and carry you upside down to bed anytime your little heart desires.

We love you all

The Wards

"If you say nothing, that is really something"

At the Camp Tekoa confirmation retreat we show a video by The Skit Guys helping to explain the concept of grace.  In this video, The Skit Guys address the passage Romans 8:38. One of the guys in the video is playing the role of a confused teen about to help lead a bible study and the other guy is playing the role of the youth director.  The youth is supposed to be helping lead a bible study on Romans 8:38 and is confused by the last question of the study, "What can separate us from the love of God?".  He is confused because the bible says "nothing" and he doesn't think nothing is a good answer:

Here is the basis of the conversation:

Youth: (in questioning what the bible says separates us from the love of God) See it doesn't say!

Youth director: Yes it does

Youth: No it doesn't

Youth director: Yes it does, it is one word.  

Youth: Exactly!

Youth director: Yes, it says nothing!

Youth: Exactly!

Youth director: Yes that is the word!

Youth: Exactly? That's the word?

Youth director: No, it's nothing!

Youth: No, no, no, don't give me nothing, give me something!

Youth director: I'm telling you the something is nothing!

Youth: What planet are you from where something is nothing?

A few lines later in the sketch the youth director says, "No, no, no, I want you to go in there and do something, but that something is to say nothing, and if you say nothing, then Sheldon that is really something!"

Yesterday, we met with an oncologist about a treatment plan for my testicular cancer.  We were told that I had a stage 1B seminoma and that it is not believed to have spread.  The oncologist believes that the entirety of the cancer was removed during surgery.  Often, my form of cancer is treated with 1 round of chemotherapy to help prevent a reoccurrence of the cancer.  The treatment of choice at one point was radiation, but the oncologist said they are moving away from that treatment due to the long term side effects of the radiation compared to the benefit gained.  There is a 15% chance of a reoccurrence over the next 5 years and 1 round of chemotherapy would drop that to a 5% chance of reoccurrence.  If it does return, the fatality rate is only at 1 in 1,000.  There is no proof that chemotherapy would improve the fatality rate and therefore the oncologist recommendation is to not have radiation or chemotherapy.  

In telling this news to a number of folks, the first response I get back is "so they are going to do nothing?".  Well, no...they are doing something.  The oncologist called it "active surveillance."  Much like a lifeguard sits by the side of the pool actively surveying the area ready to act when needed, my oncologist will be sitting by, scanning, and ready to act if needed.  So, in my case, "nothing" really is something!  

Over the next five years, I will be seeing the oncologist on a regular basis, doing x-rays, CT scans, and blood work, to make sure the cancer has not returned.  It will start off on a 3 month basis the first year, a 6 month basis the next 2, and then annually the last 2 years.  We still had the option to do a round of chemotherapy, but thought the "active surveillance" was a good "nothing!"  

I still have some test to go through for some other things they have found in the midst of all my testing.  The first CT scan showed a spot on the right kidney.  Early test show that it is "not consistent with a cyst."  I will likely have an MRI soon to figure out if that spot is something of concern, or if it also turns out to be nothing.  They also found 2 small spots on my right lung that they are going to monitor as well.  The oncologist believes the spots are likely of no concern, but has added test to my "active surveillance" plan to keep an eye on them as well.  

The conversation from the skit above came to my mind for 2 reasons.  1. In talking about a treatment plan, it can appear as if the oncologist is doing nothing. and 2. the skit is about grace.  In confirmation, I usually define grace with the youth as "undeserved favor."  I have been extended a lot of grace by a lot of people over the last month or so.  I have been given so much undeserved favor that it has truly been humbling.  

Thank you all for the prayers, the meals, the cards, the well wishes, the visits, the childcare, the cleaning of our house, the offers to mow our yard, and the donations through go fund me (talk about undeserved favor).  Amy, Anna, James, and I can never really personally thank all the people who have shown us support over the last month.  When we have offered our thanks, many people have responded with "oh, it was nothing," but let me tell you, to our family all that "nothing" really has been something!  

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

Thank you all for your prayers for my family and me over the last few weeks.  I have been absolutely overwhelmed by the support and love we have been shown.

As many of you know, today was pathology report day.  I can tell you I got two pieces of news.  The first I had no strong emotional reaction to, but the second one brought a tear to my eyes.

Before I get into that, a warning, I am going to be fairly open about what has been going on, and for some of you it may be too much information.  If that is the case, I apologize and you can stop reading after the next little paragraph!

The first bit of news Doctor K. gave me is that I do likely have cancer.  The pathology will be sent off for a 2nd opinion, but that the 2nd opinion rarely comes back different with this type of cancer.  That news brought no real emotional response from me, if anything I actually had a bit of relief to finally have some answers.  As Tom Petty says, "the waiting is the hardest part."  We have been waiting for answers with a lot of "it could be this or it could be this" since early June.  I like a plan.  I like answers.  Waiting has been no fun.  It has actually been quite mentally exhausting (I have realized that this evening, in that I think I have finally allowed myself to be tired).  The 2nd bit of news he gave me is what brought a tear to my eye.  I have been dealing with a good bit of swelling after the surgery, so he would likely be keeping me out of work a bit longer...and due to that fact, he told me to go ahead with my planned vacation.  The thought of seeing my family is what really brought about an emotional response.  The joy that news brought was a bit overwhelming.  He had told me the chances of my mass being cancerous had me convinced I wouldn't be going on vacation.  Dr. K said I need to continue to rest and relax because it will still take a while to heal.  He also said if I have to rest and relax, being around family is better medicine and treatment than sitting at home!  So tomorrow I get to fly to Michigan and somehow convince a little 4 year old she cannot play too rough (or hug too rough) with daddy.  She thinks I am still coming up on Friday, so she will be shocked to see me tomorrow!  Thankfully, James isn't at the age that he will be too rough on me!  ha ha

I know many people will think that hearing cancer means that prayers have not been answered.  I can assure you that many prayers have been answered.  We have felt loved.  We have felt peace.  We have felt community.  We have felt the church (in many, many, many different states and countries).  There have been so many little things that have just worked out for the best and I don't believe are coincidence.  In the beginning of June, I likely had an infection that helped lead to the discovery of the mass.  Lots of changes were made to the mission trip for a wide variety of reasons, but almost all of the changes meant that I wasn't as needed on the trip as normal.  We randomly decided to get a credit card to earn miles for travel back in April, and had earned enough miles that it almost paid for Amy's flight home (and last minute flights are not cheap).  I could go on and on about ways that God has answered prayer.

So if you don't want too much information about me, this is a good place to stop reading.

So a seminoma is a type of testicular cancer, usually found in older guys (who knew that 39 was old for testicular cancer).  Though cancer is not a word anyone every really wants to hear, hearing seminoma was about the best bad news I could get (I've done a lot of research lately and my advertisements on the side of my computer are quite odd).  Seminoma is one of the most treatable forms of cancer.  After the 2nd opinion is given, they will determine stage and type (there are several types of seminomas).  There will likely be a number of treatment options, because seminomas respond to a number of types of treatments.  The nature of the surgery for the mass means that it essentially removes all of the cancerous mass.  

So even though I don't like to hear the phrase "almost certainly cancer," I am thankful that the wait is over and we now have some direction.  The next few months will likely still be a bumpy road, but I am thankful to have answers.  I am especially thankful to have such a large church and huge support network.

Love you all
Kevin  (and family)

Let your church be The Church

     "Let your church be The Church!"  This is a phrase I have found myself saying a lot over the last few years.  Working in the church, it is not unusual for me to be aware of "stuff" going on in church members lives.  Burdens both light to carry that will pass quickly, to burdens that are heavy and seem to have no end in sight.
     One thing always seems to be consistent though...few people carrying these burdens want to share that burden with others.  Many people think their load is to trivial, some think others simply won't understand, others think that their burden simply isn't important enough or big enough to share.  It saddens me that so many people of the church feel they must go it alone.
     So I find myself encouraging them to "let your church be The Church."  By this, I simply mean that I believe God created church to be a community that shares burdens, not hides them.  I believe God created us to be in relationship and that true relationship doesn't trivialize any burden, but carries that burden with others; sometimes even carrying that burden for others.  We aren't created for isolation, but community.  It is hard to have true community without folks willing to share not just the best of themselves, but the vulnerable and broken parts as well.
     I realize though, it is easier to say that than it is to live it.  I have learned this lesson in a very real way lately.  If you know me, you know I am not one that likes much attention.  My work in the church doesn't often allow me to be the introvert I prefer to be.  Sometimes it is easy to work in the church without really being a part of that church.  I love my church.  St. Andrew's is more than a job for me, it truly is a church home for my family.  However, I am lucky that my church also extends well beyond the walls of St. Andrew's.  I have church family in NC, WV, MI, OH, TX, CA, PA, NY...and I could go on and on with that list.  So, I am reaching out to my church family for prayer.  I am going to let my church be The Church.
     Back in June, I began having some medical issues.  Through a variety of test, they found a mass that they first tried to treat through medications.  It has not responded to medication very much, and as a result, my doctor. wants to move forward with surgery to remove the mass.  So on Monday I will be having surgery to have this mass removed.  It will take a week for the pathology reports to come back.  So I am asking my extended church family to pray for me, my family, and for good results from both the surgery and the pathology reports.  The good news is, even if it does turn out to be a cancerous tumor, it will be very treatable.  So I am not worried about long term impact, just more concerned with the normal risk of surgery.
     It is really out of my nature to want to "share to the masses" (pun intended :-)), but I also need to practice what I preach and let my church be The Church.  I know many of you will immediately want to know what you can do to help.  The simple answer is nothing outside of prayers.  I am thankful to have such a large church family and I am thankful to know that so many of you will not only say you are praying for me, but will also follow through.  I've already felt the many prayers that have been sent up on my behalf!

Love in Christ,
Kevin

What I've Learned - Paternity Leave edition

Here are some things I've learned from my paternity leave with James. (and some just from his first few months of life in general)

35 things for 35 days of leave:

1. The bar is still extremely low for dads, and it still makes me sad.  It is shocking the number of times I heard "my husband wouldn't do that" when I've told folks I'm on leave for 5 weeks with James.  
2. James is less interested in a schedule and more interested in a rhythm.  At times, he and I seem to be playing different songs. :-)  
3. The best part of my day is seeing the smile on James' face when he hears mama's voice when she and Anna get home from school. 
4. Changing diapers on boys is a very different experience.  
5. It is very hard to be productive with a 3 month old around.  I had a well intentioned "paternity leave to do list," but have not checked off a single item from that list.  
6. People get mad if you don't post enough pictures.
7. It is shocking the number of people that don't know the difference between the words maternity and paternity.  No, I am not on maternity leave.  
8. Sometimes you just need to go to the store, alone... even if you don't actually need anything.  
9. Sleep in 2-3 hour increments for an extended period of time is simply exhausting.  Amy has done it much longer than I have and I realize I have zero room to complain.
10. Despite the last one, an hour or two to myself after Amy and the kids are asleep is essential to my mental health...even if it means less sleep.   
11. I am thankful to be married to a strong and dedicated woman.  I could give a thousand examples of this, but her dedication to sticking to a very strict diet for James has really solidified this lesson. 
12. A number of people have told Amy and me that you are not a "real parent" until you have 2 kids.  I don't think having 2 kids is harder, I think it just takes good communication and teamwork between parents.  
13. Having a migraine sucks, having a migraine when you are the sole care taker for the day for a 3 month old is simply awful.  
14. Sometimes it is impossible to tell what a baby wants/needs, because the baby itself has no idea what he wants/needs.  
15. I will never understand why a business will take the time to put in a changing table in the women's bathroom, but not in the men's bathroom.  
16. When out and about with mama and daddy, James get a lot of attention.  When James is out and about with just Daddy, Daddy gets a lot of attention as well.  (And I am very happy with Amy, so I just find this amusing.  I also think this has a lot less to do with me specifically and a lot to do with lesson #1.)
17. Make a point to have an errand to run.  Several times I realized James and I hadn't left the house in days.  James and daddy both do better when we leave the house at least once a day.  
18. Laundry....so much laundry.   
19. A smile from James can make hours of crying fade away.  
20. Coffee is important.  If I have to decide between breakfast and coffee, coffee wins.
21. God has a good sense of humor.  It seems God gives you the easy baby first to bait you into a second child.  
22. As a parent, I wish I could have the energy I had in my twenties, with the life experience and perspective I have in my late 30's.  
23. Our village is still incredible.  
24. I thought we travelled heavy with just one child, but we need to rent a U-Haul to travel with 2.  Side note: flying with a 6 week old and 3 year old seems like a good idea when buying the ticket...not so much when it was time to get through security and board the plane.  Having said that, both kids did really well.   
25. Anna has surprised us with how great she has been as a big sister.  She is simply in love with her little brother. 
26. Sometimes it is necessary for your children to see you struggle and make mistakes.  You don't have to create these situations because they happen everyday, you just shouldn't always hide them.  Anna seeing us struggle and make mistakes but keep trying has been a really good lesson for her.  She reminds us often now "it's okay, we all make mistakes, just do your best."
27. I love my job and I'm a bit of a workaholic.  Being off for 5 weeks has been weird, but good for me. I wouldn't trade these last 5 weeks for anything, but I am ready to get back to my "work."
28. Babies love their pacifiers, but so do adults.  My pacifier, like many adults, is my phone.  I need to use my pacifier less...a lot less.      
29. When a baby is fussy, there are times when there is no substitute for mama.  
30. Amy and I have an amazing church and we are very thankful they have afforded me the gift of 5 weeks with James! 

Bonus lessons from a C-section, birth, and hospital stay.

1. C-sections are a very different experience than a vaginal birth.  Very very different.  
2. We treat babies like they are glass, but during a C-section they yank, pull, and twist like they are trying to get a fumble from the bottom of the pile during the Super Bowl.  
3. Circumcision is weird.
4. Sleep in a hospital is hard, both from a quality and quantity standpoint.  
5. Nurses still talk to dad's like we are 2 year olds.  

What I've Learned - 1 week - Anna

Things I have learned in Anna's first week of life:

1. How to spell Bilirubin (and that Facebook does not know how to spell Bilirubin)

2. That Hallmark has convinced a number of folks that congratulations has a "d" in the spelling.

3. Adrenaline will help you stay up for unreal amounts of time.

4. That Anna's cry can at times actually be comforting.


5. That vomit is not the only bodily function for babies that can be "projectile". 


6. That God apparently gives parents of newborns a longer lasting "battery".


7. People become much more interested in your life when you have a baby with you.


8. The rules for when to put a hat on your child and when to go without a hat are blurry and confusing.


9. That cloth diapers are the "Superhero" of baby accessories. They are amazing and super absorbent. And we don't even use them as diapers. 


10. Now there is someone else in the house, when Amy talks she is not always talking to me. 


11. That I can in fact love someone as much as I love Amy. A very different kind of love, but I'd do anything for either of them.


12. I already knew Amy was an amazing and strong person, but I have seen her be amazing and strong in incredible new ways this week.